I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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