I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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