my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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