i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
