1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
