I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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