A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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