I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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