Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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