i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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