I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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