Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
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