If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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