Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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