can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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