kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
