So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
