He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
