I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
