take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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