A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
