from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
do herpes really smell.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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