plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
