haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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