We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
