His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize