I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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