apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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