He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
