I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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