life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
