I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
