If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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