Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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