she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
