He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
