remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
