Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
barbara walters just said penis...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
