when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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