What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
