this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize