Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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