At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
