He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
