I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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