did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
