mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
