my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
