hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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