I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
