I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
