I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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